This time is the next time

While most times I like to think of myself as a put-together kind of girl, there are those moments that make me question my own sanity. And I'm sure they're moments that make others do the same.

So when my friend Kat answers the phone and I'm an emotional wreck on the other end, she doesn't question my sanity, not even for a second. This is one of the reasons why I love her. But she's known me practically my whole life, so that has to be taken into consideration. She's seen me at my best, and at much, much worse than today was. In her brilliance, she instinctively knows that my present moment will pass and that my furious anger at myself will dissipate.

Here's the problem, I can be emotional and difficult. I can be impatient and unreasonable. I don't do anything half way. With me, it seems to be all or nothing - friends, love, family, work. I am also fiercely passionate about the people I love and care about. But as someone smarter than I at this exact moment points out, these things are also what make me a strong and loyal friend, partner, sister, daughter.

Though at this exact moment, I feel like my own worst enemy, and my inability to react with a clear head may just have cost me someone I really care about. I’d like to say that I’ve learned my lesson, but I’m pretty positive that I told myself that last time. It just feels like I'm sabotaging myself right now. So today, I feel no moments of brilliace, no peace with my ability to just be. But as with these moments, it will pass. And in a couple of days, my head will be screwed on straighter. It's just too bad that I can't hit rewind and start this day over...and do it differently.