Primary colors

There's a quasi-brilliant line under the emotions entry on wikipedia.org: "Similar to the way primary colors combine, primary emotions are believed to blend together to form the full spectrum of human emotional experience."

We can all attest to the blending of our emotions. I might just be a textbook study in this over the last couple of years. I can confidently say I’ve hit most of the negatively associated emotions – anger, disgust, frustration, hostility, regret, loneliness, rage, depression, jealousy, fear, remorse, contempt, sadness. Many of these emotions blended on a regular basis in the last days of my marriage. They tended to run my life. I wasn’t able to see beyond them. There were days that were so dark that I wasn’t confident I would see the next sunrise. I lost confidence in the ability for another person to love me completely and unconditionally. And I lost the confidence that I would be able to again love completely and unconditionally. Fortunately, in the end we were able to part as friends with acceptance and forgiveness.

Now that I’ve celebrated my one-year anniversary of being on my own again, I can only say that the days where I feel these negative emotions tend to be farher and fewer in between. When they do pop up, I try to keep them in check and within a manageable realm. My days are now more consumed with trying to find the treasure map that will help me figure out again who I am and what I want from the rest of my life. Seems I previously lost sight of me, lost the memories of the things that were most important to me.

My todays are sprinkled with moments of intense joy, thankfulness, hope, fun and even a little bit of love. I’m not saying every day is ideal, but more are closer now then they’ve been for longer than I can remember. Regardless of what my life ahead holds, what adventures I will face, I’m striving to never again lose sight of the possibility of joy. When I face challenges, I want to be able to confidently face them with a realistic perspective, without them consuming my life. When love comes my way, I want to be open to it, able to fall into it, but without losing sight of myself. I want to be able to continue to enjoy the primary colors, the blended colors and everything in between. A prayer to the heavens, fingers crossed.