There are moments in time when we turn around and catch a glimpse of a past life, how things were, when we felt a certain level of confidence in the direction of our lives. There was a point in my life when I felt invincible, like my future path was undoubtedly mapped out in front of me. All I had to do was take the next clearly marked step. I felt safe, certain about the decisions I was making, the life I was living.
Then one day I looked down. And it’s not just that my path was no longer marked, it was missing all together. It felt like I had only closed my eyes for a moment, and in that moment, it had all been stolen from me. There were no breadcrumbs, no markers to lead me back to where I thought I was supposed to be. Everything that made me feel safe, protected was missing. The things that I had held onto had been torn from my hands.
Everything has changed. And now when I turn around and catch that glimpse, the echo, I wonder if maybe I held on too tightly. Some things, some people just aren’t meant to be. We’re meant to have moments of our lives intertwined with theirs, and then the vines untangle and we’re meant to move into someone else’s sphere.
What I wonder now, though, is how do I clearly define when I’m in the right spot, the one where I’m meant to make my new life. Maybe I’m just expecting too much of myself, of fate. I try hard to let things unfold as they will, but sometimes it’s hard for me to let that happen. I want to feel protected, confident in where I am standing, who I’m standing with. Not knowing feels more than a little disconcerting at times.
While I’d love to feel invincible again, I think that maybe there’s more to be said for being fluid, not so steadfast, not so unyielding. I do want to feel safe again. I’m trying to just be patient and keep my eyes open for the breadcrumbs to my new path. I just hope that I clearly know it when I see it, that I won't pick the wrong one. I just don't want to miss it.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Borrowed
A moment awake in
The dead of night
His head on the
Pillow next to mine
Sounding softly
Intake of a breath
The darkness warm
Reassuring, comforting
The moon sneaks in
Shadows kept at bay
His hand rests silently
Lying in mine
With the morning
Only I have the memory
Of that moment
Borrowed from the darkness
Locked away now
For safekeeping
The dead of night
His head on the
Pillow next to mine
Sounding softly
Intake of a breath
The darkness warm
Reassuring, comforting
The moon sneaks in
Shadows kept at bay
His hand rests silently
Lying in mine
With the morning
Only I have the memory
Of that moment
Borrowed from the darkness
Locked away now
For safekeeping
Monday, July 14, 2008
Pieces
Tear open the box and
Toss the pieces on the table
A thousand parts scattered
And turned upside down
Carefully flip them right side up
One by one, piece by piece
But still the picture separated,
Broken parts of the whole
Hold the pieces up to the light
The edges have changed,
Morphed over time
But they still seem not to fit
Together quite right
The task to reassemble
Seems pointless, only
Picture perfect on the cover
Toss the pieces on the table
A thousand parts scattered
And turned upside down
Carefully flip them right side up
One by one, piece by piece
But still the picture separated,
Broken parts of the whole
Hold the pieces up to the light
The edges have changed,
Morphed over time
But they still seem not to fit
Together quite right
The task to reassemble
Seems pointless, only
Picture perfect on the cover
Monday, July 7, 2008
Random inspiration V
If you want to build a ship, don't herd people together to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery
The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. ~Winston Churchill
He who angers you conquers you. ~Elizabeth Kenny
Anger ventilated often hurries toward forgiveness; and concealed often hardens into revenge. ~Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton
They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel. ~Carl W. Buechner
It is the passion that is in a kiss that gives to it its sweatness; it is the affection in a kiss that sanctifies it. ~Christian Nevell Bovee
Passion is the genesis of genius. ~Anthony Robbins
The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. ~Winston Churchill
He who angers you conquers you. ~Elizabeth Kenny
Anger ventilated often hurries toward forgiveness; and concealed often hardens into revenge. ~Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton
They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel. ~Carl W. Buechner
It is the passion that is in a kiss that gives to it its sweatness; it is the affection in a kiss that sanctifies it. ~Christian Nevell Bovee
Passion is the genesis of genius. ~Anthony Robbins
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
What I want
I want to be in a relationship with someone who:
- I am passionate about and who feels the same about me
- Challenges me (though lets me get away with it occasionally)
- Makes me laugh hysterically
- Fights fair
- Will be there when it really matters, and even when it doesn’t
- Includes me in all parts of his life and makes me a priority
- Makes me feel like I really matter, not just when we’re together
- Can be honest with me and himself
- Is willing to have the tough conversations when needed
- Gets along with my friends and family, or is at least willing to really try
- Wants to share the quiet moments with me, as well as the not-so-quiet moments
- Is my biggest cheerleader
- Knows when to step up and take responsibility
- Is great in bed (hey, it never hurts)
- When needed, can put aside the ego and really to try to understand where I’m coming from
- Shares the good times with me, as well as the bad
- Is affectionate at home, as well as when we’re out together or with friends
- At the end of the day, knows that it’s not always going to be easy with me, but that it will always be worth it
I know that it doesn’t all come at once, that it doesn’t all come easily. I know that some of it comes with time. And I know that I’m far from perfect. I know that I don’t always get it right. And I would expect the person I’m with to want these things from me as well.
I would also want that person to know that I’m willing to put in the time, that I’m not going to bail when things get hard. I’m willing to work through the differences. But there also comes a time when I really think that it’s not unreasonable to expect certain levels of engagement, inclusion, communication.
And what do you do when the balance is off? When you can't get past something? Or you feel like the other person isn't getting what you're saying? Is there a time when it’s better to walk away? Or is it the time to hold on and fight for it? I guess it’s hard in any relationship to strike the balance between the two. It can be incredibly frustrating, but when everything is on, it can be wonderful.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Is what's past in the past?
Is it possible to always leave the past in the past? How do past mistakes, past successes, past friendships, past loves factor into or influence the present, the future?
I know that there are certain past experiences in my life that strongly influence my current life, beliefs, practices, interactions.
The outdoors: I grew up somewhat in the sterotypical middle of nowhere on five acres, so I spent much of my childhood outside. My family traveled farily extensively in the summers, so vacations were spent hiking in the mountains, camping in remote locations, exploring national parks, identifying plants, searching for glimpses of rare wildlife. Plus, my grandparents owned 10 acres, so any weekend spent there was full of climbing trees, playing hide and seek in the orchard, swinging as high as possible on the tire swing, riding on the tractor with my grandfather, making snow angels. Next, I come from a die-hard Scouting family - Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts. Through fifth or sixth grade, I spent at least a week every summer at Girl Scout camp - creeking, swimming, campfires, stargazing, singing.
In my teens, I graduated to Boy Scout camp. I was lucky enough to be a member of a co-ed program called Explorers. Plus, my dad was so active in Boy Scouts that I became a regular sidekick at Roundtable and District meetings. I spent an uncountable number of weekends at Camp McKinley, where irony strikes since my parents now live there. And hey, when you're 15, Boy Scout camp is a great place to meet boys, especially with the boy-to-girl ratio is like 50-1. The summer after my junior year of high school, my parents allowed their fearless daughter to board a train to New Mexico to work on staff at Philmont, a Boy Scout ranch, for the entire summer. It was the best one of my life. Even though I just worked in the kitchen (I was only 17 and too young for them to put me anywhere else), my days off were spent backpacking in the back country, hanging with my friends in the staff camps, gallery hopping in Taos, quasi skinny dipping at the hot springs, running Chinese fire drills in the middle of Cimarron, eating nachos with jalapeno peppers. God, it was a great summer.
So with all of these influences, I suppose it's not a surprise that I still enjoy spending time outdoors. There is something about the quiet, the wind whistling in the trees, sitting next to a campfire with friends, laying in the cool grass under the stars, enjoying a colorful sunset that always makes me feel better. There are few other things in my life that can bring me that level of peace.
The type of friend I am: Sometimes when you look at siblings, it's hard to imagine they grew up in the same house. This isn't the case for my sister and I. We have great parents (which means anything that's wrong with me can't be blamed on them) who led by example, so Pen and I were raised to know how important family and friends are. We both would do nearly anything for the people we care about.
The relationship side of me: So I've been in a long-term relationship that completely didn't work out. We got married. We got divorced. Getting to that last part was stressful and at times extremely painful, as well as sprinkled with moments of tears, anger, forgiveness, clarity.
So the question arises of how do the experiences lived while being married and divorced influence a future relationship. From talking to other friends who have lived through the divorce thing, it can vary widely by person. If it was a difficult divorce that involved bitterness, hurt feelings and resentment that lasted through the entire process, sometimes it seems more challenging to move on, forgive, let go of past wrongs.
But if it's possible to be lucky in divorce, I certainly was. We were together a long time. We started dating in our early teens, moved through college and first jobs and got married in our late 20s. Of course, we didn't figure out until after the fact, hurt feelings and missteps that while we each may have meant to be married, it just wasn't to each other. We both worked hard to save the marriage, but we weren't in love with each other anymore. In the end, fortunately, our divorce was mutual, and we parted as friends. Living through the experience changed certain things about me, taught me valuable lessons, influences how I am in a relationship.
So our past experiences, lives influence who we are in the present, who we become in the future. It's up to each of us to determine whether we grow from them, learn from them, become better people because of it.
I know that there are certain past experiences in my life that strongly influence my current life, beliefs, practices, interactions.
The outdoors: I grew up somewhat in the sterotypical middle of nowhere on five acres, so I spent much of my childhood outside. My family traveled farily extensively in the summers, so vacations were spent hiking in the mountains, camping in remote locations, exploring national parks, identifying plants, searching for glimpses of rare wildlife. Plus, my grandparents owned 10 acres, so any weekend spent there was full of climbing trees, playing hide and seek in the orchard, swinging as high as possible on the tire swing, riding on the tractor with my grandfather, making snow angels. Next, I come from a die-hard Scouting family - Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts. Through fifth or sixth grade, I spent at least a week every summer at Girl Scout camp - creeking, swimming, campfires, stargazing, singing.
In my teens, I graduated to Boy Scout camp. I was lucky enough to be a member of a co-ed program called Explorers. Plus, my dad was so active in Boy Scouts that I became a regular sidekick at Roundtable and District meetings. I spent an uncountable number of weekends at Camp McKinley, where irony strikes since my parents now live there. And hey, when you're 15, Boy Scout camp is a great place to meet boys, especially with the boy-to-girl ratio is like 50-1. The summer after my junior year of high school, my parents allowed their fearless daughter to board a train to New Mexico to work on staff at Philmont, a Boy Scout ranch, for the entire summer. It was the best one of my life. Even though I just worked in the kitchen (I was only 17 and too young for them to put me anywhere else), my days off were spent backpacking in the back country, hanging with my friends in the staff camps, gallery hopping in Taos, quasi skinny dipping at the hot springs, running Chinese fire drills in the middle of Cimarron, eating nachos with jalapeno peppers. God, it was a great summer.
So with all of these influences, I suppose it's not a surprise that I still enjoy spending time outdoors. There is something about the quiet, the wind whistling in the trees, sitting next to a campfire with friends, laying in the cool grass under the stars, enjoying a colorful sunset that always makes me feel better. There are few other things in my life that can bring me that level of peace.
The type of friend I am: Sometimes when you look at siblings, it's hard to imagine they grew up in the same house. This isn't the case for my sister and I. We have great parents (which means anything that's wrong with me can't be blamed on them) who led by example, so Pen and I were raised to know how important family and friends are. We both would do nearly anything for the people we care about.
The relationship side of me: So I've been in a long-term relationship that completely didn't work out. We got married. We got divorced. Getting to that last part was stressful and at times extremely painful, as well as sprinkled with moments of tears, anger, forgiveness, clarity.
So the question arises of how do the experiences lived while being married and divorced influence a future relationship. From talking to other friends who have lived through the divorce thing, it can vary widely by person. If it was a difficult divorce that involved bitterness, hurt feelings and resentment that lasted through the entire process, sometimes it seems more challenging to move on, forgive, let go of past wrongs.
But if it's possible to be lucky in divorce, I certainly was. We were together a long time. We started dating in our early teens, moved through college and first jobs and got married in our late 20s. Of course, we didn't figure out until after the fact, hurt feelings and missteps that while we each may have meant to be married, it just wasn't to each other. We both worked hard to save the marriage, but we weren't in love with each other anymore. In the end, fortunately, our divorce was mutual, and we parted as friends. Living through the experience changed certain things about me, taught me valuable lessons, influences how I am in a relationship.
So our past experiences, lives influence who we are in the present, who we become in the future. It's up to each of us to determine whether we grow from them, learn from them, become better people because of it.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Does two ever equal one
They say it's scientifically impossible for two objects to occupy the same space. Yet, when you meet that one person who seems to fill the empty space in your heart, it seems to become possible. The problem is knowing whether or not the person standing in front of you now is that one. That perhaps is the most difficult part of the equation.
I've never been a strong believer in the concept of soul mates - the idea that there is only one person in the world for you. I tend to lean towards the idea that as you move through your life you will come into contact with different people - and sometimes it's the right time and the right person, the one who makes the time spent searching worth it.
But again, the difficult part is knowing when you've found the right one. I'm guessing that the reality of the journey is that it will include some broken hearts and at least one or two someones who you thought might be the one who turn out not to be. I just hope we all get more than one chance to fall in love - to find the one that makes us feel at certain moments that scientific principles can be defied. Here's to the journey.
I've never been a strong believer in the concept of soul mates - the idea that there is only one person in the world for you. I tend to lean towards the idea that as you move through your life you will come into contact with different people - and sometimes it's the right time and the right person, the one who makes the time spent searching worth it.
But again, the difficult part is knowing when you've found the right one. I'm guessing that the reality of the journey is that it will include some broken hearts and at least one or two someones who you thought might be the one who turn out not to be. I just hope we all get more than one chance to fall in love - to find the one that makes us feel at certain moments that scientific principles can be defied. Here's to the journey.
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