The odyssey that is my life

An odyssey is defined as "a long series of wanderings or adventures, especially when filled with notable experiences, hardships, etc." I think the last couple of years of my life could easily be categorized by this definition, including the notable experiences and the hardships.

I lost a love in 2007, and though it had been a couple of years since we had truly been in love with one another, it didn’t make the final decision any easier. It took us nearly two years of pain and tears and fighting and trying to admit that it was best for us both if we just let go of each other. We both deserve to be happy and to be with someone who loves us passionately and without abandon. I hope this is what each of us finds.

But 2007 also brought some unexpected surprises to my personal perspective. I had certain assumptions about what I wanted from my life and the path I was on, but someone came back into my life that completely turned those things upside down and startled my assumed outlook.

So as we start the new year, I find myself asking “what do I truly want from this life?” And though it may sound like the unrealistic musings of an idealistic romantic, what I want most is love. I want to fall in love with that one person about whom I can be incredibly passionate about, come home to every night, share the adventures and the pain, enjoy every day with. But I’m in no rush, or at least I’m trying not to be. It might be unrealistic, but I only want to fall in love one more time in my life. I want to take my time this time. Whoever the person is, we will both have so much to discover about one another. I think the journey is one of the most exciting parts of falling in love – though in the right relationship, the journey will be continuous across time.

I also have family and friends who love me unconditionally. It has taken me a long time to be able to really appreciate this. Over the last couple of years, there were long stretches of time where I was barely able to deal with my own pain and sorrow, and as a result, willingly cut myself off from them. They must love me a lot because they weathered my distancing and were right there when I was ready to come back.

The holiday season also reminds me of the loves that I’ve lost over the years, most notably, my grandparents. Most of my fondest memories as a child involve my them – long summer days wandering in the woods, climbing the pines with nothing but sticky hands to show for my accomplishment, Poptarts and Frosted Flakes for breakfast, watching episodes of Bonanza, the smell of my grandfather’s cigar, freezing winter nights being tucked into bed, the mysterious bird in the Christmas tree, swinging freely from the willow tree, riding on my grandfather’s lap as he pulls the tractor out of the barn, my grandmother showing me her treasures, playing hide-and-seek with my cousins. I often wish I could go back – maybe like the Ghost of Christmas Past but without the regret – and watch myself and my sister with them. Too often when I try to conjure up those precious memories, it’s harder to remember the lines on my grandfather’s face and the way it felt when he held me. I always felt safe and happy – feelings that are much harder to attain and maintain when you’re a grownup.

I often wonder if they would be proud of the person I’ve grown into. As sometimes it’s hard for me to be proud of all of my decisions over the years, I try and remember they loved me unconditionally as a child and would have continued to do so into adulthood.

So on this second day of 2008, I am hopeful for what lies ahead for me in the new year, but remind myself that I should – at the same time - be grateful for my past, as it is what has brought me to this day. It is time to turn the page and start a new chapter in my life, a new odyssey.