Lessons learned

We hope that out of every relationship that doesn’t last (notice I didn’t use the term failed here), we learn and grow both as an individual and as a partner. In my last relationship, I learned a lot of lessons, many of them the hard way. We started dating when we were young, so figuring out the relationship dos and don’ts over the years resulted more from trial and error than really remotely having any clue as to what we were actually doing.

As a partner, there were a lot of things I was good at, and as every ying must have a yang, there were a lot of things I was only infrequently and sporadically good at (aka the things I sometimes sucked at). But thanks to a lot of soul searching, fighting, tears and a fabulous therapist, there are lessons I learned that I will gladly allow to accompany me into any future relationship:

• You can bring home issues, anger, frustrations from the office, but leave them in the car, don’t let them follow you through the door. A partnership is about sharing the good, the bad and the ugly, but there’s no need to share the bad and the ugly the minute you walk in the door. Grab the mail, walk in the door, kiss your partner, tell him you had a horrible day and ask for a hug. Just be in the moment, in the arms of the person who loves you most in this world. It will take the edge off the horror of the day, and remind you that the most important part of your life isn’t found inside four walls from 8-5.
  
  
• No one should have to carry the burden of being the end-all, be-all of your happiness. When you’re in the middle of an intense relationship, it’s so easy to fall into the trap of tying all of your happiness to your partner – living for their praise, compliments. But that’s a lot of responsibility for anyone to have to carry. You’ll be a better partner if you take responsibility for yourself first.
  
  
• Fight in the moment. It’s probably most stereotypical of women that once we’re in the middle of a fight, we’ll bring up every other issue – whether or not it’s related to the issue at hand – possibly imaginable. Stay on topic. You’ll only add unnecessary, additional tension by bringing up unrelated issues. Plus, if you stay on topic, in theory, the fight will be shorter and it’ll get you to the make up part sooner!
  
  
• Don’t loose sight of what’s important. It’s easy to get caught up in the drama and stresses of work, friends, the greater world. Sometimes it’s hard to see beyond them and understand at the end of the day and in the grand scheme of life, they’re relatively not that important. At the end of the day what is important is that the person in your life knows you love them first and most in this world, that they are your ultimate focus. From this perspective, all of the other things will fall into place. Everything else is, if not easier, at least manageable when you’re facing them together.