What I want

I want to be in a relationship with someone who:

• I am passionate about and who feels the same about me
• Challenges me (though lets me get away with it occasionally)
• Makes me laugh hysterically
• Fights fair
• Will be there when it really matters, and even when it doesn’t
• Includes me in all parts of his life and makes me a priority
• Makes me feel like I really matter, not just when we’re together
• Can be honest with me and himself
• Is willing to have the tough conversations when needed
• Gets along with my friends and family, or is at least willing to really try
• Wants to share the quiet moments with me, as well as the not-so-quiet moments
• Is my biggest cheerleader
• Knows when to step up and take responsibility
• Is great in bed (hey, it never hurts)
• When needed, can put aside the ego and really to try to understand where I’m coming from
• Shares the good times with me, as well as the bad
• Is affectionate at home, as well as when we’re out together or with friends
• At the end of the day, knows that it’s not always going to be easy with me, but that it will always be worth it

I know that it doesn’t all come at once, that it doesn’t all come easily. I know that some of it comes with time. And I know that I’m far from perfect. I know that I don’t always get it right. And I would expect the person I’m with to want these things from me as well.

I would also want that person to know that I’m willing to put in the time, that I’m not going to bail when things get hard. I’m willing to work through the differences. But there also comes a time when I really think that it’s not unreasonable to expect certain levels of engagement, inclusion, communication.

And what do you do when the balance is off? When you can't get past something? Or you feel like the other person isn't getting what you're saying? Is there a time when it’s better to walk away? Or is it the time to hold on and fight for it? I guess it’s hard in any relationship to strike the balance between the two. It can be incredibly frustrating, but when everything is on, it can be wonderful.

Is what's past in the past?

Is it possible to always leave the past in the past? How do past mistakes, past successes, past friendships, past loves factor into or influence the present, the future?

I know that there are certain past experiences in my life that strongly influence my current life, beliefs, practices, interactions.

The outdoors: I grew up somewhat in the sterotypical middle of nowhere on five acres, so I spent much of my childhood outside. My family traveled farily extensively in the summers, so vacations were spent hiking in the mountains, camping in remote locations, exploring national parks, identifying plants, searching for glimpses of rare wildlife. Plus, my grandparents owned 10 acres, so any weekend spent there was full of climbing trees, playing hide and seek in the orchard, swinging as high as possible on the tire swing, riding on the tractor with my grandfather, making snow angels. Next, I come from a die-hard Scouting family - Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts. Through fifth or sixth grade, I spent at least a week every summer at Girl Scout camp - creeking, swimming, campfires, stargazing, singing.

In my teens, I graduated to Boy Scout camp. I was lucky enough to be a member of a co-ed program called Explorers. Plus, my dad was so active in Boy Scouts that I became a regular sidekick at Roundtable and District meetings. I spent an uncountable number of weekends at Camp McKinley, where irony strikes since my parents now live there. And hey, when you're 15, Boy Scout camp is a great place to meet boys, especially with the boy-to-girl ratio is like 50-1. The summer after my junior year of high school, my parents allowed their fearless daughter to board a train to New Mexico to work on staff at Philmont, a Boy Scout ranch, for the entire summer. It was the best one of my life. Even though I just worked in the kitchen (I was only 17 and too young for them to put me anywhere else), my days off were spent backpacking in the back country, hanging with my friends in the staff camps, gallery hopping in Taos, quasi skinny dipping at the hot springs, running Chinese fire drills in the middle of Cimarron, eating nachos with jalapeno peppers. God, it was a great summer.

So with all of these influences, I suppose it's not a surprise that I still enjoy spending time outdoors. There is something about the quiet, the wind whistling in the trees, sitting next to a campfire with friends, laying in the cool grass under the stars, enjoying a colorful sunset that always makes me feel better. There are few other things in my life that can bring me that level of peace.

The type of friend I am: Sometimes when you look at siblings, it's hard to imagine they grew up in the same house. This isn't the case for my sister and I. We have great parents (which means anything that's wrong with me can't be blamed on them) who led by example, so Pen and I were raised to know how important family and friends are. We both would do nearly anything for the people we care about.

The relationship side of me: So I've been in a long-term relationship that completely didn't work out. We got married. We got divorced. Getting to that last part was stressful and at times extremely painful, as well as sprinkled with moments of tears, anger, forgiveness, clarity.

So the question arises of how do the experiences lived while being married and divorced influence a future relationship. From talking to other friends who have lived through the divorce thing, it can vary widely by person. If it was a difficult divorce that involved bitterness, hurt feelings and resentment that lasted through the entire process, sometimes it seems more challenging to move on, forgive, let go of past wrongs.

But if it's possible to be lucky in divorce, I certainly was. We were together a long time. We started dating in our early teens, moved through college and first jobs and got married in our late 20s. Of course, we didn't figure out until after the fact, hurt feelings and missteps that while we each may have meant to be married, it just wasn't to each other. We both worked hard to save the marriage, but we weren't in love with each other anymore. In the end, fortunately, our divorce was mutual, and we parted as friends. Living through the experience changed certain things about me, taught me valuable lessons, influences how I am in a relationship.

So our past experiences, lives influence who we are in the present, who we become in the future. It's up to each of us to determine whether we grow from them, learn from them, become better people because of it.

Does two ever equal one

They say it's scientifically impossible for two objects to occupy the same space. Yet, when you meet that one person who seems to fill the empty space in your heart, it seems to become possible. The problem is knowing whether or not the person standing in front of you now is that one. That perhaps is the most difficult part of the equation.

I've never been a strong believer in the concept of soul mates - the idea that there is only one person in the world for you. I tend to lean towards the idea that as you move through your life you will come into contact with different people - and sometimes it's the right time and the right person, the one who makes the time spent searching worth it.

But again, the difficult part is knowing when you've found the right one. I'm guessing that the reality of the journey is that it will include some broken hearts and at least one or two someones who you thought might be the one who turn out not to be. I just hope we all get more than one chance to fall in love - to find the one that makes us feel at certain moments that scientific principles can be defied. Here's to the journey.

Will not break

Like a willow, I will bend
But I will not break
I will bend with the winds
And the challenges that arise
Traverse the waves that crash
Defy attempts to classify
Stave off regret, discontentment
Battle anger, sadness, heartbreak
Reach for the next sunrise
And look forward to what
Lies around the next bend

Random inspiration IV

Ok, maybe not so inspiring tonight. Guess I'm feeling a little melancholy, so tonight's quotes may be a bit more serious.

Sometimes we lose friends for whose loss our regret is greater than our grief, and others for whom our grief is greater than our regret. - Francois de la Rochefoucauld

If we deny love that is given to us, if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss, then our lives will be empty, our greater loss.

Real loss only occurs when you lose something that you love more than yourself.

Time by minutes slips away, first the hour, then the day, small the daily loss appears, yet is soon amounts to year. - Ronald Tierney

Sadness is but a wall between two gardens. - Kahlil Gibran

Living the truth in your heart without compromise brings kindness into the world. Attempts at kindness that compromise your heart cause only sadness.

The demise of absolutes

Life is full of yes-or-no answers and decisions. Yes, I'd like extra cheese on my pizza. No, I'm not available until 3. Yes, I'll join you for drinks. No, I've got plenty of my time in my schedule for that project (can you hear the dripping sarcasm?). Things tend to default to the lowest common denominator, black and white. Yes, I'll take vanilla, please. And things tend to be phrased in absolutes. Yes, you can do that. No, I changed my mind, you can't.

But that's not where life is lived. Life is lived in the gray areas, between the black and the white, between the yes and the no. In the middle - out on the edge - where colors burst off the page, where passion is a regular part of your daily routine.

When you feel like you're buried under thousands of pounds of rubble that translate into demands on your time, deadlines, clients, projects...all clamoring for what they claim is just a "minute" of your time, it's hard to remember to draw outside the lines, to hang on to the enjoyment, to remember the reason you do it in the first place. So for just today, when things feel more than a little out of control, when it feels that I won't get past this moment, that joy is just beyong my reach, I try to remember that life is fluid. It's not meant to be just yes or no. It's meant to be the sometimes, the maybes, the let's do it now, the let's try something new. It never hurts to try life from from a different angle. You might be pleasantly surprised with your discoveries.

The faces of love

The right love, unlimited dimensions
Obvious as the rays that dance on the floor,
Easily visible in a shared look, moment --
Tucked away in whispers and shadows
Candlelight reflected in the quiet evening

Passion in the gentle moments spent
Wrapped around, inside one another --
Insistence, baited breath, waiting
For the next brush of fingertips

Tenderness in the soft touch of
Hands intertwined on a long drive --
Head lying on another’s shoulder
Seeking the comfort that results

Pure delight when the other enters
The room, a swell of immense joy --
The compass lies still, confident
It’s found its home, its harbor

Concern for an equal, but greater than
Anticipated, unexpected apprehension --
For the happiness, security, comfort
Of the mirror to one’s soul

Appreciation, admiration of differences
Belonging to each another, compassion --
Providing both the strength to support,
The needed soft place to fall

More than just desire, adoration,
Veneration, deep, ardent affection --
Reciprocated in unforeseen moments
One heart responding to another

The right love, unlimited dimensions
Obvious as the rays that dance on the floor,
Easily visible in a shared look, moment --
Tucked away in whispers and shadows
Candlelight reflected in the quiet evening